there is a familiar queasiness tearing at my gut tonight while

a small voice hints that i should be checking on flights and car rentals and maybe

even hotel room availability so i can show up and…

and do what?  say goodbye when i hardly know if this will pass or if

its really the end?

tonite i sit with the sudden illness of one in LA that i call ‘brother’.

as jaded as i am about sickness, death and dying, i still understand how at this stage of the game

in this day and age and in this time of super infection and cancers at every turn

the silent clock ticks and we are never certain when that second hand will

stop for you for me for us all

how hoping and praying doesn’t always cut it and

oh how this voice inside is clear and no

i am not being paranoid and worrisome–

i have heard this before…

take heed, shouts my brain!

listen….hush, listen..

i know how quickly things can change and surprise

shock us into disbelief again

reminding us of the importance of saying what we need to say

before we can’t…

in this day and in these times of our lives

death lurks at every turn, pulling the numbers of those we cherish

without even the courtesy of a simple consult

a warning bell

or a brief note of explanation

or a letter explaining this termination of life-service…

don’t shock me with this, death

you have kept this human off your radar for 78 years and i

still need to believe that there is still time because i still

selfishly need him to be here and no no no

i cannot believe the october timeframe and what

a fucking jokester death would be if this would be the month

to take him in the month when another’s death at this time of year

years back

is what planted the seeds

that forged this bond of our friendship..

no, death, not now…

yet here i sit

checking plane fares and calendars

because i know that

death isn’t listening, and the

whispers in my head are reminding me that i have

heard these voices before..