there is a familiar queasiness tearing at my gut tonight while
a small voice hints that i should be checking on flights and car rentals and maybe
even hotel room availability so i can show up and…
and do what? say goodbye when i hardly know if this will pass or if
its really the end?
tonite i sit with the sudden illness of one in LA that i call ‘brother’.
as jaded as i am about sickness, death and dying, i still understand how at this stage of the game
in this day and age and in this time of super infection and cancers at every turn
the silent clock ticks and we are never certain when that second hand will
stop for you for me for us all
how hoping and praying doesn’t always cut it and
oh how this voice inside is clear and no
i am not being paranoid and worrisome–
i have heard this before…
take heed, shouts my brain!
i know how quickly things can change and surprise
shock us into disbelief again
reminding us of the importance of saying what we need to say
before we can’t…
in this day and in these times of our lives
death lurks at every turn, pulling the numbers of those we cherish
without even the courtesy of a simple consult
a warning bell
or a brief note of explanation
or a letter explaining this termination of life-service…
don’t shock me with this, death
you have kept this human off your radar for 78 years and i
still need to believe that there is still time because i still
selfishly need him to be here and no no no
i cannot believe the october timeframe and what
a fucking jokester death would be if this would be the month
to take him in the month when another’s death at this time of year
is what planted the seeds
that forged this bond of our friendship..
no, death, not now…
yet here i sit
checking plane fares and calendars
because i know that
death isn’t listening, and the
whispers in my head are reminding me that i have
heard these voices before..