the unwanted

these days
oh these days of cancer
death hovering           peeking around every corner
it is the 90’s all over again         the new plague
30 years ago       we scratched our heads in horror and confusion
all the while lamenting that it was too early    too early!
where were those that we were to grow old with
how could they have left  before their time
 before old rocking chairs were set out on old
 broken wooden porches facing west
toward  the sea or east toward hills of redwood or pine…
while the melody of hand-painted sunsets in a perfect sky
was still  keeping time to the rhythm of our aging
while the rocking and creaking of wood on tempered wood
still filled our ears…
while we,  grasping each other’s
 weathered, wrinkled hands          speak softly
 of memories and shared days of old..
 while we, comforted          gaze into each other’s
rhummy eyes with gratitude
for a lifetime of friendship
now facing the inevitable end…
here is my great sadness as the numbers around me rise
in chests and bellies            breast and organs
this cancer wraps like  snakes        choking life from pumping arteries
curling in tight
 around liver, spine     pancreas       sneaking into  hiding places
craving the warmth         of armpit and lymph gland    to grow its poison
 seeping into pelvis, spine     bone
and womb              where life begins
and now moves to end..
here is my great sadness as those fall around me
under the roof of my workplace, one waits
 hoping to beat the odds while counting years
hoping to trick what courses in his bloodstream
sallow, yellowing eyes and skin       distended belly
daily, he mixes magic potions and herbal elixirs
 praying for a miracle
while       tests are newly performed on one
 while another lies in ICU            opened, then closed up
 like a rickety zipper because of the tangles and twine of poison
a belly ache           a ribbon of blood in a porcelain bowl, ignored
while doctors tsk and tsk and disappear to consult
as to what the next ‘course of action’ might be
and i visit, choking back the smell of death’s stench
as it waits
impatient
 at the door…
here is my greatest sadness
as those fall around me
another e-mail with such news
brings me to my knees
selfishly, i wrestle my own demons
collapsing to the floor          unprepared again to face
such loneliness     such  helplessness
with hands tied,
and hope so impossible              to find
again…
soon, the question of ‘why’ will  arise and repeat
choked from this mouth     misery etched into a face, again wet with tears
and, as i  look around my table
at  the empty chairs
i will again scream to the universe
asking    too many more  unanswerable questions
beginning with WHY
 and the unwanted will ignore my plea
for sense and mercy…
where are my fallen comrades
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About lindalou5150

as exercise or exorcism, i write...for the eyes of others, for my eyes and heart only, for the love and the rage, i write...to release the gamut of emotion...to tell the truth and say what's often thought but not written...
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One Response to the unwanted

  1. StevenDiVerde says:

    you touch me in many ways when we see each other face to face. Now I read your work, and you touch me in some new ways…

    thank you for that! for painting a vivid picture that speaks to me. Your words make my heart ache, but they also lift me. I know we can’t experience life fully, without the pain and without being faced with why. So I feel alive from reading your words, and I feel love – that comes from connection with others. Thank you for the gift of sharing the unwanted…

    I wish my aging eyes could, with greater ease, read white words on black background!! : )

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