i have seen the loss of a child in the incredulous and stricken eyes
of distraught parents
i’ve heard the piercing wails of disbelief
screams that have shredded my eardrum and torn into my throat
leaving me speechless, unable to form cohesive and approriate response
oh, the unimaginable, the unthinkable cruelty of life delivery of such news
shrinks us telescopically back to a yesterday into our own moment
of a belly’s response to the first in-utero kick from a tiny foot
then on to the first time, that naked and bloody a new small life bone skin innocence was delivered into waiting and hopeful arms unconditionally, we learn love
to outlive your child is a most unnatural act a most searing wound to the unprepared heart
the one experience that all parents fear like nothing else
the one thing that strikes a chord tears open a soul leaving irreparable damage
skin, now burns bloodshot, tear-stained eyes view the world around us differently
what has been inexplicably subtracted is never fully recovered
in this life, i have felt the weight of a fierce grief settle in from losses of another kind
from the death of friends considered family to the death of pets whose devotion and companionship balanced and completed each corner but today i have lost a child
while death’s shadow usually marks the finality of an uncontrollable destination in life
still, we tread its often murky waters gasping for breath when our calm seas betray us
we struggle tangled by lies held down swirling and fighting the riptides of harsh words into its depths, this sea tries to drag us while waves of blame sadness dysfunction choice drown out our once-pure love and like a thousand stones our neck chokes beneath the weight as lungs fill and as heart closes down
we are emptied
today i lost my child not by death’s cruel hand not an actual subtraction of her or by a physical passing but drained of all emotion and love i lie, shrunken stricken waterlogged by skewered perceptions of a life i delivered now filled with such bitterness
the bells of constant deceptions can ring a death knoll like a beacon from afar
i can no longer take the blame for all that is evil for the choices that have framed her life
for the words she has heard, never spoken for cruel judgment she has felt never delivered she has left
and into this sea of darkness of choice we have drowned
daughter, mother