i have seen the loss of a child in the incredulous and stricken eyes

of distraught parents   

i’ve heard the piercing wails of disbelief

screams that have shredded my eardrum and torn into my throat

leaving me speechless, unable to form cohesive and approriate response 

oh,  the unimaginable, the unthinkable  cruelty of life       delivery of such news

shrinks us  telescopically  back to a yesterday       into our own moment

of a belly’s response to the first in-utero kick from a tiny foot           

 then on to the first time, that naked and bloody  a  new small life         bone    skin        innocence        was delivered into waiting and hopeful arms     unconditionally, we learn love

to outlive your child is a most  unnatural act     a most searing wound to the unprepared heart

 the one experience that all parents   fear           like nothing else          

the one thing that strikes a chord    tears open a soul       leaving irreparable damage 

skin, now burns      bloodshot, tear-stained eyes view the world around us          differently 

what has been  inexplicably subtracted    is never fully recovered

in this life,  i have felt the weight of a fierce grief   settle in         from losses of another kind      

from the death of  friends considered family          to the death of  pets whose devotion and companionship  balanced and completed each corner             but today            i have lost a child

while death’s shadow usually marks the finality    of    an uncontrollable   destination   in  life         

still, we tread its often murky waters     gasping for breath when our calm seas betray us

we struggle        tangled by lies     held down  swirling  and fighting    the  riptides of harsh words       into its depths, this sea tries to drag us         while   waves of blame          sadness       dysfunction          choice       drown out  our once-pure love     and like a thousand stones     our neck chokes beneath       the weight     as  lungs fill         and as  heart closes     down          

we are emptied

today i lost my child       not by death’s cruel hand          not  an actual subtraction of her    or by a  physical passing    but drained of all emotion and love      i lie,  shrunken        stricken       waterlogged  by skewered perceptions         of a life i delivered       now filled with such bitterness

 the bells of constant deceptions    can ring a death knoll           like a beacon from afar

 i can no longer take the  blame for all that is evil         for the choices that have framed her life

for the words she has heard, never spoken        for cruel judgment she has felt    never delivered   she has left         

 and into this sea of darkness           of choice      we have drowned

daughter, mother