pulsing forward

in watchful measures, i’ve gauged this current pattern of regression    in awe of its strength and hold        its tone and retreat          in constant battle, i’ve  fought the swell and motion of rumination’s untimely seas         hanging onto  naked skin  rough       like rusted chainmail   unweildy        an undertow of life          yet often, there is no navigating      such a defiant and symbolic swim …

through familiar dark caverns      i dive  through silent seas     crest and fall       crest      and fall   with each stroke of tide      into night            resurface then   coming back up        for air          waves momentarily embrace and lighten me   while  in graceless fear     i  fight to reclaim what’s strong and true        worn without the mantle of doubt and awkward hesitation…

holding  me backwards     this arc stays me       this familiar skin weighs me down  plunges me  again into another hauntingly        familiar dark sea    regress     repeat       regress      repeat        every note here   surrenders to a tuneless scale        every word  a new  bleak effort   every step   a stagger backwards    threatening pulse and beat        leading too closely   to an ever- familiar dread …

in shame and retreat, i’ve begged for a simple           mapped-out solution       a return  to an unceremonious        sense of normalcy         one that might         lead me back           to a continuum of  forward    versus  a constant backward fall…

what lies behind        is easier to reconcile  in these oceans     easier than the uncertainty of the unknown          yet while clinging to  failed efforts  i cannot near these shores     all attempts   to manuever the remaining time     exhausts and diminishes any notions of  rescue today…                           

 the danger is a side-stepping   to  retreat      drifting  further away from the  safety of shore     pulling me from this darkness        show me simplicity’s path   to wind along      acknowledge the jagged     rocky cliffs  rising from the sea’s floor     eventually  they too have  surrendered their    struggle  reaching toward the pali and skies        while i  simply hope to find    an even pulse  beneath this harried tempo     screaming into this night’s exhausting air…

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About lindalou5150

as exercise or exorcism, i write...for the eyes of others, for my eyes and heart only, for the love and the rage, i write...to release the gamut of emotion...to tell the truth and say what's often thought but not written...
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