alcohol ixs

I.
‘recovery’
is not
my game
yet i can
honor and
respect others
hold them
in high regard
for their bravery
while sitting
smug
in my own
stew
of reckless denial..

those
who can recognize
their “powerlessness”
and believe in something
greater than themselves
have not suffered
many have not been

scorched by the fiery lies

of hypocrisy

licked by the filthy tongues

of damnation

or kissed by the guilt

spewed from catholicism’s

 twisted
snarling lips.
they have not yet
been left
voided and incapable
of the strength

to find such belief…

II.
the strong
and the weak, both
have woken up
in their tiny cottages
next to the garden’s pond
in their mansions
on a ginger and pulmaria scented island
or in a pine-filled valley
life hits them all
at a point
when death
lingers, gesturing and
calling their names
from every corner
of their clean streets
or jungle floors..
still
some manage
to choose
to fight the demons
that suck them
into their daily
bottles
giving in to something
anything
more important
that makes sense to
fight for…
and yes,
its a never-ending
battle
to save your
life..

III.
nothing has captured
changed or
rearranged me
for long…
nothing has
dragged
me so
far
into its
jaws
nor has sunken me
into its benthic
depths
so deeply
that i couldn’t
come back
or up
for some permanent
healthier air…
something..
a great love
a memory of days
shared and
gone by
the look in
a daughter’s face..
or simple dreams of more
of something
easier or better
has saved me
repeatedly
from myself..

and, oh, how lucky
i’ve been

oh, believe me
i know
just how lucky
i have been..

IV.
in this life
some of us
have
dabbled
dipping
our tarnished
fingers
into
tastes of each
and every substance
available
during past days
and times
where we knew
we would live
forever..

some of these
altered
me for a time
others shapeshifted me
into a jester
or a thief…
perception’s heavy wooden doors
opened
then shut
its secrets
and finality
revealed..
i have been
amused
silly
giggling, then
crying in terror
for no apparent reason..
i have lost time
music and film faded
much remains lost
un-remembered..
silent and nodding
in the screams
of near death
i have been
shielded from
the claws
of addiction
by the angels
or the devils
or the voices
i have strained
to hear…
saved
from that brand
of searing pain
yet, wrapped in the warmth
of altered states
i have been too cozy
too relaxed in my inabilities
to endure or enhance
what life has volleyed
across its court
my way at times…
that is what lingers still

V.
some substances
have
embraced me
tenderly
roughly
coming close
to boiling me
to the core
almost melting
me
away
in its heat..
i, too, have
sensed
a point
of no
or little
return
breathing down
my neck
with longing
and desire
to win
me..

yes, how lucky
i have been..
and i
have been
oh, so close..

VI.
tobacco ruined
my ability
to climb mountains
its damage lingers
in every
breathless incline
a road might
take me on
it remains
my hardest-fought
victory
at what cost..

the rest of
these possible
addictions
have toyed
with me
teasing me
at my weakest
amusing me
at first
disgusting me
when the scales
have tipped
too far
leaving me lopsided
and afraid
to teeter
so closely
toward
so many edges..

VII.
today
there are three
in my life
whose friendships
i have cherished
whose love
i have honored
with every fiber
of me
whose eyes
i have trusted
unconditionally…
i call them brothers
sister
but cannot fight
or win
this battle
for them
as
their fading away
and monumental
distancing
continues
more rapidly than
ever imagined..
i watch from
this heart-wrenching
sideline
my hands tied
my mouth now
taped shut
as they drown
in their
foolish
sorrow
embraced in such
a nonchalant web
of denial
while their
bottles
glasses, and
fine stemware
pretend
to satisfy
amuse
and fill
the empty places
inside of them..

and i, oh
so
lucky,
remain the critic
the judge and jury..

VIII.
i, too, have been tricked
again
there is no
luck
in any of it..
only shattered
dreams
loss and
sadness..
it overwhelms
emptying
me out
voiding me
sending me
to reach
for something
anything
to numb
the pain..
again
oh yes..
the empty
savage pain
our loss
of each other…

_____
there was a time
when i worried
about monkeys
pole vaulting
off my back..
now i only worry
about the finality
of what’s been lost
when alcohol
wins
this match
you are alive
but deadened
to all
of the losses..
especially the loss
of us…

(for b, j and t with love)

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About lindalou5150

as exercise or exorcism, i write...for the eyes of others, for my eyes and heart only, for the love and the rage, i write...to release the gamut of emotion...to tell the truth and say what's often thought but not written...
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