manila

i mailed off
more of
your wordage
today
in a standard orange
manila envelope
addressed to someone
who needs them
these
desired word-things
as much
or
maybe more
than i
once did

will releasing them
to the winds
passing them through
my fingertips
and off
to one state
away
be far enough
to cleanse
away other
senseless necessities?

will it erase
our
once
mutual sickness
subtracting the
sum of us
from this timed-out
equation?

with these packages
the private
once cherished
words we shared
release me
from the ownership
of our memories
and of obsession’s
starless
nightime skies

will this obliteration
of private
hours of
scraped out
manicky
depressive writings
crafted
into the night
as i sought
a sort of refuge
in the folds
of your written
truths
be enough
to bring me
to an uneasy
redemption?

to reach you
wasted, i offered
the concept of
a shared meal
an ocean park
sidewalk cafe
true sustinence
with the sun
on our faces
my image saw
us reminiscing
over bagels
and strong
black coffees
reinventing a youth
that we had
buried
long ago…
no strings
no sexual tension
in the way of
us
the female
as newfound
friend.
plain and simple.

instead, the
breakfast dough
fell
hot
out of
needy
ovens
baked instead
to a
sick perfection,
it sustained
our distance
feeding our mutual
lifelines.
bites, here
and there
rescued
our reactive
intentions
giving us what
we needed
in a moment
or a day

to share you
and our sick
secret
arrangement
is not a betrayal
but rather
an answer
to your current
state of
apathy
and indifference
in those moments
during those days
and written
between the lines
of your
crack intuition,
we dissolved again
into strangers
distanced by more
than miles

my radar whispered
old stories
into my ears
reruns of the familiar
rang me into
the ground
yet, the need
to maintain
these glimmers
of real
that you shot
through
SASA envelopes, BABY!
kept me feeding
your addiction
as you fed mine

i know
you have forgotten
how you were
able to open up
and be real
for those
momentary fractions
in time
your ghost
whispered
drawing in the
breath of you
deleting your
moment of
knowledge
as the ‘friend”
you could have been
had you not
had to maintain
a certain act of
playing
steve richmond

washing my hands
of your silence
has enabled me
to read between
the lines
of you
into that place
where your napping
demons normally
would be guarding
your arrogance

‘steady as
she goes’
you said
and
once i believed you
when you told
me you dug
my letters
to you
my vulnerability
opened the
rusty gates
of my trust
and expecting truth
i let my guard
fall down
shattering my
fragile
faith and
good intention
into small
pieces
stamp-like
and now
released
en route
to oregon

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About lindalou5150

as exercise or exorcism, i write...for the eyes of others, for my eyes and heart only, for the love and the rage, i write...to release the gamut of emotion...to tell the truth and say what's often thought but not written...
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